In the beginning, there was grass but man said it needed to be greener and lusher so he fertilized and aerated it. And it thrived. Then man said, “I need to cut it.” So he bought a push mower.

In the second season, man sought more power and purchased a gas-powered mower. His delight was in his freshly cut lawn and he said, “This is good.”

Years went by and the man grew in mowtivation and acreage. His assortment of lawn mowers multiplied. Some he pushed and some he rode. For a while, he was content. But one day, when surveying his kingdom, he decided, “I need more power. I need to get'er done faster.”

And so he persuaded his wife to go with him to the Mower Guy to take a test drive. One swathe along the sample path and he was sold. He wanted, needed, had to have a zero-turn mower. She, on the other hand, had reservations-and unfortunately, they weren't for a beachfront motel.

She tried to explain to the Mower Guy that she had a left/right handicap. How could she possibly operate a mower that had two handles instead of a steering wheel? She even shared how her dear friends gave her gloves one Christmas with left and right spelled out on the respective glove to help her with her seemingly undiagnosed case of dyslexia.

However, under the duress of both Mower Guy and that man-of-mine urging me to give it a whirl, I finally did, literally, going in circles like a three-year-old playing Ring around the Rosy. Finally, Mower Guy reminded me to pull both handles back at the same time. And it stopped, and it was good, and I was dizzy.

Several more years passed and the man stood atop his hill and said, “I really need more power. I need to get'er done even faster.” And so he went back to Mower Guy and came home with a zero-turn tank. But that was okay because he assured his wife, who had finally gotten used to Mini-Zero that she would LOVE his new Mega-Mower.

And love she did because the man did not want his beloved on his new machine. Yes, she could use the push mower-that was good aerobic exercise, he explained. “Got to keep you in shape,” he added, with a glint in his eyes.

Well, several weeks ago that glint went. That man-of-mine wasn't feeling up to par and the mowing fell in my court. There was no way to get around it-I had to learn how to use The Tank, especially if I wanted to keep my walking paths passable.

Although he assured me it would be similar to Mini-just bigger and more powerful, I shuddered to think of the damage I would do to our landscape. I remembered how I felt the first time I tried to mow with Mini-Zero. That first encounter was grueling-to put it mildly. No gas pedal, no gears, no brakes-two handles handling all those tasks was, let's face it, more than I could handle. Having to think about mowing while mowing is definitely not the way I wanted to mow.

Mowing should be a mindless activity, a stress reliever, an afternoon spent communing with nature. Instead, I was a nervous wreck-ducking branches, mowing down shrubs, taking a chunk out of a metal trailer hitch, and sliding sideways down an incline.

I remember yelling to the hubby, “I need a brake.” Of course, I also remember his reply, “You can take a break. I promise not to dock your pay.”

However, after spending last weekend with The Tank, I must admit, the hubby was right. Gosh, that hurts but honesty pays-or so my Daddy used to say. Yep, The Tank and I hit it off quite nice-ly. His power and size truly cut the mowing time in half. Okay, so I also cut a few shrubs in half but they weren't doing that well any-how. And that inch or two of top soil I shaved from the side of the house may need to be reseeded but I was able to swerve quick enough to spare Little Bunny Foo-Foo.

Yep, I'm actually beginning to like that Mega Mower alt-hough I'm not ready to give up my inside job-mainly because no one else will step up to the plate or wash it. With all the time I spent on the mower last weekend, you'd think that man-of-mine and Mrs. Hoover would have taken advantage of the opportunity to get to know one another a bit better. Reckon there's any chance it would make a difference if we traded her in for a zero-turn riding vacuum? KNOTT MUCH.