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“Who are you, and what have you done with my husband?’ Jane Doe suddenly didn’t recognize the man she married when an unforeseen emotional crisis blindsided their Central Virginia family farm in 2020.

Though unexpected, the turmoil was the first step in a healing journey that fostered radical honesty, revealed their strength of character and illuminated the path forward.

The couple, who live in The Herald’s coverage area, asked to be identified anonymously as John and Jane Doe. While the names are different, elements of their story may sound familiar to farmers who struggle to maintain their mental health while contending with farm stress and family crises.

It was during the harvest season when John became increasingly agitated over a seemingly inconsequential personal matter. Negative emotions he’d buried years in the past were unknowingly triggered and came barreling back with frightening intensity.

His harsh, hurtful words rendered him a stranger to Jane after almost a decade of marriage.

“It was a slow-motion train wreck,” John recalled. “I knew my thoughts were irrational, but it didn’t matter. The train left the station, and there was no stopping it until it derailed.”

While dealing with farm stress was nothing new, John’s outburst followed by an inconsolable emotional state was completely out of character. Jane asked her mother to take the kids. The couple spoke more honestly than ever before.

“If we didn’t deal with it, eventually it could have broken our marriage,” Jane said. “We had no choice but to tackle it.”

Weather, equipment breakdowns and a disrupted supply chain, plus the global pandemic, were already creating pressure.

“The money has been forked out to grow that crop,” John said. “It’s capital intensive, with so much out of our control that still impacts the bottom line.”

Now imagine a trampoline stretched tight and then an elephant drops out of the sky, Jane explained.

“That’s how it was for us,” she said. “And we didn’t see it coming.”

‘I wasn’t in this alone’ 

John called a friend in Richmond and disclosed his struggle.

“The next day he was at my house and rode the combine with me all day,” he recalled. “It was very reassuring that I wasn’t in this alone.”

John needed to take a step back from work. Family took over farm tasks and child care.

“His dad would get in the combine, and his mom drove the grain cart,” Jane said. “They would say, ‘Go to dinner and concentrate on each other.’ We couldn’t have done it without that support system.”

Meanwhile, Jane reached out to friends who helped John find a therapist willing to accept new patients. He began telehealth appointments.

“The therapist had a farm background as well, which made it a lot easier, because she understood what I was dealing with on a day-to-day basis,” he said.

With defined goals, new coping tools and fresh perspective, John’s mindset improved.

“Now it’s a scar instead of a wound,” he said. “I learned nothing will change until you’re honest with yourself.”

Resources for Central Virginia farmers

In lieu of some daunting statistics about mental health issues among farmers and rural communities, farm groups are reminding Central Virginia farmers of the many resources available to them.

“The human body is amazing,” said Jeremy Daubert, a Virginia Cooperative Extension agent. “We are designed to handle stress, and we all cope differently. But it’s the stress over time that’s really detrimental, especially to farmers, because they can’t take a week off here or a month off there. It’s day in and day out.”

According to the National Rural Health Association, farmers are 3.5 times more likely to die by suicide than the general population. And rural populations have a significantly higher suicide rate than urban areas.

Daubert urged those who interact with farmers and rural residents to look for changes in behavior that can be signs of crisis or suicidal intention. The Agromedicine Institute said to watch for:

• A decline in care of crops, animals and farm
• Withdrawing from social events, family and friends
• Change in mood or routine
• Increase in farm accidents
• Increased drug or alcohol use
• Giving away prized possessions, calling or saying goodbye
• Making statements such as “I have nothing to live for,” or “My family would be better off without me.”

Ways to help

In moments of crisis, AgriSafe Network’s AgriStress Helpline® is a confidential resource available to the Central Virginia farming community 24/7, which can be reached at 833-897-2474.

“What’s really important about this line, the people who answer the phone are not only trained as crisis-response specialists, but they also have knowledge of agricultural stressors going on in people’s lives,” Siegel said. “They won’t say, ‘just take a break,’ because they know you can’t. They can empathize with the plight of people in agriculture.”

American Farm Bureau Federation President Zippy Duvall discussed AFBF’s Farm State of Mind rural mental health resources, and he shared how opening up to others helped him deal with the loss of his wife.

“I thought I could handle anything,” he said. “But if you bottle things up inside of you long enough it becomes very detrimental to your health and to your ability to do your job.”

In January, AFBF established a relationship with the Farm Family Wellness Alliance to launch access to a peer-to-peer support community Togetherall, free to all American farm families 24/7. Additional counseling services also can be made available at no cost. Learn more at togetherall.com/en-us/join/farmfoundation.